Tonight, however, this isn't the case. I don't have words. I can't even explain what's wrong. I'm just a mess.
I don't like feeling like this. Not feeling like myself. Feeling lonely. And hurting. I'm a happy person, why has it been so different lately?
I didn't realize just how bad this little funk of mine was until I went to town tonight, tears streaming down my face. I drove to blockbuster, not even thinking about how much i had been crying, or how awful i probably looked. Well, as i got out of my car I ran into six guys I know. They looked at me as if they had seen a ghost and didn't know what to say. They weren't quite sure whether they should say something, or needed to say something. I tried to turn the other direction, but they just stood there, awkwardly, not knowing what to say; both to me and each other. Finally the one that I by far know best walked a little closer and told me that whatever was going on wasn't a forever thing, and that as little as he does know me he could always tell i'm strong.
In my weakest moments, it's hard hearing that you're strong. I don't like feeling weak. I don't like struggling. I like knowing what to do, what to say. So for him to tell me that i'm strong, and that this isn't forever, made me realize how serious it really is right now. He hardly knows me, but it was very obvious that i wasn't okay... Even at the local blockbuster.
Honestly I think i'm out of tears for tonight. I've shed them all. But that's okay for now, i'm sick of crying. I'm sick of hurting. Tonight I gave it all up to God. (that's actually why i was crying when i was at blockbuster, i had been praying all the way there, just talkin' to the man up top).
Right now that's all I can do. Pray. Pray. Pray, and pray some more.
I'm finished being broken. I'm sick of it. I'm fed up. I quit.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I want to be myself again. The fun Alex. The smiley Alex. Even the silly Alex.
I'm ready.
No comments:
Post a Comment