So recently I've had a hard time talking to God....
I've had a hard time letting God in my life....
And i've had a hard time listening to God....
Well the combination of those three things has left me not only hurting, but hurting others too. I'm at this breaking point, and the only thing I can do at this point is pray. And actually pray, not just talk to the wall and pretend i feel something like i've been doing. I want this all to end. I want to get over this mountain i'm faced with. I want to let God in again. I want to feel like myself again. I want my friends and family to be proud of me again.
But in my heart i know that only God can fix these problems. I can't make this one go away on it's own.
God has to knock this wall down. Yes, i have to let him help me, but i can't do anything else on my own, it's all in his hands.
I'm sick of feeling empty and worthless. <3
So if you're reading this and you would pray for me it'd be greatly appreciated.
I have to stop the tears, i have to stop the frowns, i have to stop the sorrow.
It's time to get back on track, and happy again.
I miss my true happiness.
I'm done. I can not do this alone. I need him back.
- a very heartbroken A.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Photoshoot with some of my favorite girls! :)
A couple weeks ago my aunt and cousins decided to get together and take some awesome shots. :) We had lots of fun together. These are some of my favorites :D
They always know how to make me laugh <3
Two of the greatest girls i've ever met. Katie in the middle and Manda on the right.
JLT's pretty great!
Sooo Manda forgot to mention that her boots had holes... I was getting soaked feet. :P
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I feel stuck.
Right now I feel so stuck in this moment, stuck in high school, stuck living at home. To many people they see it as a privelage, to be in high school, to be able to live at home, to be capable of living in the moment.
Well, I guess I'm different.
I'm ready for this moment to end, i'm ready to graduate with still a year and a half to go, i'm ready to move on, to start a life. Not only a life, but my life. But yet here I am, doing my AP English homework and thinking about how stuck I am.
I realize most teenagers want high school to end, want to move out, but the difference between many of them and me is the fact that my reasoning to start my life, to graduate with a leg up in my career, i know what i want to do with my life, and i know how i have to get to where I want to go.
So now what? Once again i'm asking God what now? How am I suppossed to sit here in this moment thinking about how much i want it to be over?
I've never actually felt like a kid, like a teenager even, and recently while talking to a friend, discussing this topic, i realized how ready I am for the rest of my life. Yes, I still have a lot of growing to do, but doesn't everyone? I'm not quite sure it's growing that has to occur in high school, I mean maybe i'm wrong, maybe next year, my senior year, will change my life, but at this point i'm not feeling like it's going to make a huge difference. It's just one more year that i'm stuck here, not doing what I want to be doing.
Well anyway, that's the end of this thought process.
Hopefully i'll get out of this hole soon.
- A :)
Well, I guess I'm different.
I'm ready for this moment to end, i'm ready to graduate with still a year and a half to go, i'm ready to move on, to start a life. Not only a life, but my life. But yet here I am, doing my AP English homework and thinking about how stuck I am.
I realize most teenagers want high school to end, want to move out, but the difference between many of them and me is the fact that my reasoning to start my life, to graduate with a leg up in my career, i know what i want to do with my life, and i know how i have to get to where I want to go.
So now what? Once again i'm asking God what now? How am I suppossed to sit here in this moment thinking about how much i want it to be over?
I've never actually felt like a kid, like a teenager even, and recently while talking to a friend, discussing this topic, i realized how ready I am for the rest of my life. Yes, I still have a lot of growing to do, but doesn't everyone? I'm not quite sure it's growing that has to occur in high school, I mean maybe i'm wrong, maybe next year, my senior year, will change my life, but at this point i'm not feeling like it's going to make a huge difference. It's just one more year that i'm stuck here, not doing what I want to be doing.
Well anyway, that's the end of this thought process.
Hopefully i'll get out of this hole soon.
- A :)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I'm in need of a "What Now" button
Yes, I serioiusly want a "what now" button. It's not acually a need because only God can answer my question, but sometimes I just wish I could get a button sort of like the whole Staples "That was easy", Easy button. Only what I would want isn't something to make my life easier, just something to tell me what to do next.
At this point with my friendships i'm not sure where to draw the line, or where to cross it. Or if this line I keep thinking about is just my imagination saying i need a line. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm building things up in my over-processing head of mine again, or maybe i'm breaking things down and making them seem smaller than they are in reality. If I should be worried about the friends I worry about. If some of my friendships are based on things that no longer are. Everything about my friends feels so questionable right now, i'm not sure what to do next. Or what needs to be done, no matter the order it's done in.
In regards to some choices that need to be made i'm not sure whether i should jepordize things that other people want for me to make me happy, or jepordize my happiness for others. Who comes first, me or them?
I know what I need is God's life plan for me, but right now I feel as if i'm stuck in between major stages in my life just sitting here waiting to figure out what's next... to see what God wants next in my life... to figure out what I want next in my life... I don't know what's going to happen now, and I don't like it, i'm a very structured person, as much as my personality is random, and sometimes thoughtless, I put all my thougthts into what's next, which is why i'm so lost as to what is next right now.
I need to trust God. I need to hear God. I need to figure out where his map leads me.
I'm in need of prayers, of wisdom, of less worries, of less doubt in myself. If you would pray it'd be much appreciated. I've got a lot on my plate right now and I can't even see the next ball that'll be pitched.
- A
At this point with my friendships i'm not sure where to draw the line, or where to cross it. Or if this line I keep thinking about is just my imagination saying i need a line. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm building things up in my over-processing head of mine again, or maybe i'm breaking things down and making them seem smaller than they are in reality. If I should be worried about the friends I worry about. If some of my friendships are based on things that no longer are. Everything about my friends feels so questionable right now, i'm not sure what to do next. Or what needs to be done, no matter the order it's done in.
In regards to some choices that need to be made i'm not sure whether i should jepordize things that other people want for me to make me happy, or jepordize my happiness for others. Who comes first, me or them?
I know what I need is God's life plan for me, but right now I feel as if i'm stuck in between major stages in my life just sitting here waiting to figure out what's next... to see what God wants next in my life... to figure out what I want next in my life... I don't know what's going to happen now, and I don't like it, i'm a very structured person, as much as my personality is random, and sometimes thoughtless, I put all my thougthts into what's next, which is why i'm so lost as to what is next right now.
I need to trust God. I need to hear God. I need to figure out where his map leads me.
I'm in need of prayers, of wisdom, of less worries, of less doubt in myself. If you would pray it'd be much appreciated. I've got a lot on my plate right now and I can't even see the next ball that'll be pitched.
- A
Monday, November 22, 2010
God has some crazy timing...
There are a lot of things I really don't understand about God, i'm learning more and more everyday, but the one that really confuses me is timing.
Lately someone has come into my life that honsetly the only way i can even explain is God... And i know God obviously had a part of everything that happens in my life, but when i needed someone God placed him there. Quite literally the night i needed someone too, it was odd.
But anyway, this is about the third or fouth time that the timing on some odd situation has been perfect, and i mean to the second, spot on... perfect. Unfortunetly nothing but God himself is perfect, of course there are bumps in the road. Stupid bumps... If not for a few minor (more like major) details I'd have the perfect friendship, and the perfect life.
Well guess what... what can be learned from perfection? Not a whole lot because there isn't anything to fix.
There is a lot in my life to fix... but right now, I'm learning to be content with what i have, while i have it nonetheless. Not taking anything or anyone for granted, and being thankful for it while and after i have it.
Basically, God has some amazing timing, and some more crazy timing...
I'm just playing it day by day and giving him thanks for everything i have while i still have it. <3
Lately someone has come into my life that honsetly the only way i can even explain is God... And i know God obviously had a part of everything that happens in my life, but when i needed someone God placed him there. Quite literally the night i needed someone too, it was odd.
But anyway, this is about the third or fouth time that the timing on some odd situation has been perfect, and i mean to the second, spot on... perfect. Unfortunetly nothing but God himself is perfect, of course there are bumps in the road. Stupid bumps... If not for a few minor (more like major) details I'd have the perfect friendship, and the perfect life.
Well guess what... what can be learned from perfection? Not a whole lot because there isn't anything to fix.
There is a lot in my life to fix... but right now, I'm learning to be content with what i have, while i have it nonetheless. Not taking anything or anyone for granted, and being thankful for it while and after i have it.
Basically, God has some amazing timing, and some more crazy timing...
I'm just playing it day by day and giving him thanks for everything i have while i still have it. <3
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Why do people emphasize BEST in a friendship?
Lately I've noticed some calling themselves my best friend, or even myself calling someone best.
In all honestly, i have 7 best friends, all for very different reasons, none quite the same, yet all so very important to me.
The first of which is my savior, my reason for being here, and my God. I wouldn't even be here without him so why wouldn't he be the best?!
And then there's my sister, who i don't know what i'd do without, in so many ways, she's been the best friend i could ever ask for.
Then another, one i just recently have got to know. I'm sooo glad i am though. He's the first real friend that i've had in a long time. I feel like there has been too much inbetween some friends and I, but not this time, it's only us, nothing getting in the way. It's the best.
I can't forget that someone who has tried to understand me through the tears, he's literally been here for me at all hours of my crazy days, and nights. Even at my worst he'd be the one to point out my beauty, both inside and out. He's the friend who steps in when the entire world seems to step out. What about that isn't the best?
And there's always a forever friend, one who's known you from the very start. All because we were lost at recess on day one of Kindergarden type of friend. And of course that feels like the best.
What about the one who it seems like forever, because you're practically sisters. I could call her parent's mom and dad without a doubt and they'd just smile. That feels like it should be best as well.
I also have the one who was inseperable for a long time. She's been through what seems like my worst part of life with me. She's the one who goes back and forth, but in the end, she could easily be the best.
And last but not least, the one you think you should be in a relationship with because you feel like some old bickering couple. We're constantly talking and he means so much to me. He's newer in my life, but it feels like both the best, and forever.
Alright, I just described seven different friendships, all of which are incredible. In my mind they're all my best. No one person should have that place in my heart and life. Because honestly God would win, he's my number one. Although all of the six others on my list are amazing. I love them, each for different reasons, but love nonetheless.
Don't let society make you chose the best. In the end we're all our own bests'. So be your best, be the best God made you to be, be one of the best friends to someone else.
In all honestly, i have 7 best friends, all for very different reasons, none quite the same, yet all so very important to me.
The first of which is my savior, my reason for being here, and my God. I wouldn't even be here without him so why wouldn't he be the best?!
And then there's my sister, who i don't know what i'd do without, in so many ways, she's been the best friend i could ever ask for.
Then another, one i just recently have got to know. I'm sooo glad i am though. He's the first real friend that i've had in a long time. I feel like there has been too much inbetween some friends and I, but not this time, it's only us, nothing getting in the way. It's the best.
I can't forget that someone who has tried to understand me through the tears, he's literally been here for me at all hours of my crazy days, and nights. Even at my worst he'd be the one to point out my beauty, both inside and out. He's the friend who steps in when the entire world seems to step out. What about that isn't the best?
And there's always a forever friend, one who's known you from the very start. All because we were lost at recess on day one of Kindergarden type of friend. And of course that feels like the best.
What about the one who it seems like forever, because you're practically sisters. I could call her parent's mom and dad without a doubt and they'd just smile. That feels like it should be best as well.
I also have the one who was inseperable for a long time. She's been through what seems like my worst part of life with me. She's the one who goes back and forth, but in the end, she could easily be the best.
And last but not least, the one you think you should be in a relationship with because you feel like some old bickering couple. We're constantly talking and he means so much to me. He's newer in my life, but it feels like both the best, and forever.
Alright, I just described seven different friendships, all of which are incredible. In my mind they're all my best. No one person should have that place in my heart and life. Because honestly God would win, he's my number one. Although all of the six others on my list are amazing. I love them, each for different reasons, but love nonetheless.
Don't let society make you chose the best. In the end we're all our own bests'. So be your best, be the best God made you to be, be one of the best friends to someone else.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
If you love you can lose...
Sometimes I wonder if you can truly love without losing.... God is the only one that has ever loved me that at some point hasn't left me.
Love itself doesn't scare me, but the fact is, i want to be loved without losing, i'm scared to love because if i love i can lose. I guess it's something you sacrifice, but it's scary.
Today my best friend told me he loves me, not in a romantic way by any means, but love nonetheless. And i've known he's loved me for almost 2 years now, but to hear those words, to know that I mean that much to him... it scared me. I found myself worrying that i'd mess something up, or that i needed to be something i wasn't. Which honestly makes no sense being he loves me for who I am, and for what I've done in his life and for what God has done for the both of us. But still i'm sitting here questioning this all.
Tonight he also questioned why i've never said the words "I love you"... i'ved said love ya, and things of that sort, but never those three words as one. Never all together. Those three words mean so much, yet our society has made them out to be so little. And here I am sitting in my room, thinking about why it's been so hard for those three words to come out of my mouth. He's one of the few people that have been there for me for a solid two years, no ifs ands or buts about it, he's been there at the drop of a hat, which in these past two years has been difficult to find. God has been the only solid person in my life to be constant. So for this person to completely randomly (seriously God is the only explanation for him coming into my life) and stick around for so long and then tell me he loves me... wow. That's really all i could say at that moment in time... I have reason to love him, but i feel like if i have reason to love him then he has reason to leave. I'm not quite sure why I always associate those two words together, but because of my past and some horrible circumstances i have...
So now i'm stuck in this place thinking about God's love, and a parent's love, and if i actually love my best friend.
The other thing is all of my friends that are girls i've never had trouble saying i love you, and honestly meaning it nonetheless. But for some reason this feels more real, and even more scary.
I just pray that I'll get over my fears, that God will show me not everyone who loves leaves.
I hope my friend has the patience to stick around until i'm ready to face my fears, but hey, he's stuck around this long :P
I'm not quite sure what the point of all this is.... but if you love someone, have the courage and strength to tell them, sometimes it makes them think about the big picture, i'm very thankful he said those three simple words and actually meant them. One day i'll be ready to tell him how much he means to me.
<3 A
Love itself doesn't scare me, but the fact is, i want to be loved without losing, i'm scared to love because if i love i can lose. I guess it's something you sacrifice, but it's scary.
Today my best friend told me he loves me, not in a romantic way by any means, but love nonetheless. And i've known he's loved me for almost 2 years now, but to hear those words, to know that I mean that much to him... it scared me. I found myself worrying that i'd mess something up, or that i needed to be something i wasn't. Which honestly makes no sense being he loves me for who I am, and for what I've done in his life and for what God has done for the both of us. But still i'm sitting here questioning this all.
Tonight he also questioned why i've never said the words "I love you"... i'ved said love ya, and things of that sort, but never those three words as one. Never all together. Those three words mean so much, yet our society has made them out to be so little. And here I am sitting in my room, thinking about why it's been so hard for those three words to come out of my mouth. He's one of the few people that have been there for me for a solid two years, no ifs ands or buts about it, he's been there at the drop of a hat, which in these past two years has been difficult to find. God has been the only solid person in my life to be constant. So for this person to completely randomly (seriously God is the only explanation for him coming into my life) and stick around for so long and then tell me he loves me... wow. That's really all i could say at that moment in time... I have reason to love him, but i feel like if i have reason to love him then he has reason to leave. I'm not quite sure why I always associate those two words together, but because of my past and some horrible circumstances i have...
So now i'm stuck in this place thinking about God's love, and a parent's love, and if i actually love my best friend.
The other thing is all of my friends that are girls i've never had trouble saying i love you, and honestly meaning it nonetheless. But for some reason this feels more real, and even more scary.
I just pray that I'll get over my fears, that God will show me not everyone who loves leaves.
I hope my friend has the patience to stick around until i'm ready to face my fears, but hey, he's stuck around this long :P
I'm not quite sure what the point of all this is.... but if you love someone, have the courage and strength to tell them, sometimes it makes them think about the big picture, i'm very thankful he said those three simple words and actually meant them. One day i'll be ready to tell him how much he means to me.
<3 A
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)