If you love you can lose...

Sometimes I wonder if you can truly love without losing.... God is the only one that has ever loved me that at some point hasn't left me.

Love itself doesn't scare me, but the fact is, i want to be loved without losing, i'm scared to love because if i love i can lose. I guess it's something you sacrifice, but it's scary.

Today my best friend told me he loves me, not in a romantic way by any means, but love nonetheless. And i've known he's loved me for almost 2 years now, but to hear those words, to know that I mean that much to him... it scared me. I found myself worrying that i'd mess something up, or that i needed to be something i wasn't. Which honestly makes no sense being he loves me for who I am, and for what I've done in his life and for what God has done for the both of us. But still i'm sitting here questioning this all.

Tonight he also questioned why i've never said the words "I love you"... i'ved said love ya, and things of that sort, but never those three words as one. Never all together. Those three words mean so much, yet our society has made them out to be so little. And here I am sitting in my room, thinking about why it's been so hard for those three words to come out of my mouth. He's one of the few people that have been there for me for a solid two years, no ifs ands or buts about it, he's been there at the drop of a hat, which in these past two years has been difficult to find. God has been the only solid person in my life to be constant. So for this person to completely randomly (seriously God is the only explanation for him coming into my life) and stick around for so long and then tell me he loves me... wow. That's really all i could say at that moment in time... I have reason to love him, but i feel like if i have reason to love him then he has reason to leave. I'm not quite sure why I always associate those two words together, but because of my past and some horrible circumstances i have...

So now i'm stuck in this place thinking about God's love, and a parent's love, and if i actually love my best friend.

The other thing is all of my friends that are girls i've never had trouble saying i love you, and honestly meaning it nonetheless. But for some reason this feels more real, and even more scary.

I just pray that I'll get over my fears, that God will show me not everyone who loves leaves.

I hope my friend has the patience to stick around until i'm ready to face my fears, but hey, he's stuck around this long :P

I'm not quite sure what the point of all this is.... but if you love someone, have the courage and strength to tell them, sometimes it makes them think about the big picture, i'm very thankful he said those three simple words and actually meant them. One day i'll be ready to tell him how much he means to me.

<3 A