No one ever said life was easy....

.... but someone did promise it'd be worth it. <3

It's hard to remember just how much God loves you and I when life throws us curve balls.

Right now i've found myself struggling to give God thanks for what I do have, and not question him about what I don't have. It's important to keep remembering that he does love me. He isn't just throwing situations my way and laughing at me, but he's asking me to grow from them, to use them to strengthen my relationship with him and other believers in Christ. To become a godly young woman worthy of a loving husband one day.

That is what I keep reminding myself this morning as I start to question God's motives. So no, today I may not understand why he's put me in the situations he has, but maybe tomorrow he'll show me exactly why. Who am I to think he'll never show me? He will, just on his time. My whole life should be on his time anyway, so for today that's all I can tell myself. As I remember to thank him for helping me grow, and making me a stronger woman.

This life isn't about how difficult it may or may not be today, it's about how amazing it'll be with him one day.

"Better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts, than thousands else where. Better is one day."

Well this is weird....

For the last just about two weeks i haven't talked much to my best friends, i haven't seen them, and i haven't been able to get ahold of anyone. This is just weird...

I guess I didn't realize how much these people mean to me until  they were gone (or across the world). Some people say they have the best friends in the world, but i'd like to disagree. The few people i do trust, and i can trust are my best friends. There are two people in my life that i could call at any time of day for any reason and they'd have my back, they'd protect me, and they'd let me cry on their shoulder if need be. I believe everyone needs someone or a few someone's in their life that they can call their best friend(s). I know i wouldn't be the strong, confident, faithful person i am today if it wasn't for them. I would probably be stuck in a place i was a year ago, and that was a very ungodly, miserable place to be. :(

Now i'm walking with God everyday of my life, i am confident in who i am for the first time in my entire life, and i'm willing to make the changes in my life that need to be made. So for people to say they have the best friends in the world, i think they're wrong. My friends have gotten me through an awful lot, and i love them for it everyday.

However the last few weeks without them have been a bit odd, but i know that no matter what if i need them they're still here for me. <3

Missunderstood much?

Mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood,
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down, mistaken, always second guessing.
Underestimated, look, I'm still around...

That's how i'm feeling right now. Missunderstood mostly.

 

If no hurt is beyond healing, no habit is beyond help and no hang-up is beyond hope then why do i feel hopeless? Why do i feel helpless? Why do i feel the healing?

I've been missunderstood and i just wish i wouldn't be judged.

Yes, i know God never said life would be easy, or fair, but this just sucks.

I know in my heart that God is the only thing, the only person, the only hope to any of this, and i'm very thankful i have someone as powerful and almighty as my God is to get me through this one, because i've just about given up. It's hard to decide where I want to stop fighting, and how much i want to fight for. All i know for sure is that when it's out of my reach and up to God he shows me right where I need to be and who needs to be right by my side. And his opinion should be the only opinion that matters to me.

That's much easier said than done however.

So for now, each day i'll keep fighting for what i know in my heart is right, until he shows me some sort of stop sign. That's all I can do.

I'm done.

So recently I've had a hard time talking to God....

I've had a hard time letting God in my life....

And i've had a hard time listening to God....



Well the combination of those three things has left me not only hurting, but hurting others too.  I'm at this breaking point, and the only thing I can do at this point is pray. And actually pray, not just talk to the wall and pretend i feel something like i've been doing. I want this all to end. I want to get over this mountain i'm faced with. I want to let God in again. I want to feel like myself again. I want my friends and family to be proud of me again.

But in my heart i know that only God can fix these problems.  I can't make this one go away on it's own.

God has to knock this wall down. Yes, i have to let him help me, but i can't do anything else on my own, it's all in his hands.

I'm sick of feeling empty and worthless. <3

So if you're reading this and you would pray for me it'd be greatly appreciated.

I have to stop the tears, i have to stop the frowns, i have to stop the sorrow.

It's time to get back on track, and happy again.

I miss my true happiness.

I'm done. I can not do this alone. I need him back.

- a very heartbroken A.

Photoshoot with some of my favorite girls! :)

A couple weeks ago my aunt and cousins decided to get together and take some awesome shots. :) We had lots of fun together. These are some of my favorites :D

 They always know how to make me laugh <3

 Two of the greatest girls i've ever met. Katie in the middle and Manda on the right.

 JLT's pretty great!

 Sooo Manda forgot to mention that her boots had holes... I was getting soaked feet. :P

I feel stuck.

Right now I feel so stuck in this moment, stuck in high school, stuck living at home. To many people they see it as a privelage, to be in high school, to be able to live at home, to be capable of living in the moment.

Well, I guess I'm different.

I'm ready for this moment to end, i'm ready to graduate with still a year and a half to go, i'm ready to move on, to start a life. Not only a life, but my life. But yet here I am, doing my AP English homework and thinking about how stuck I am.

I realize most teenagers want high school to end, want to move out, but the difference between many of them and me is the fact that my reasoning to start my life, to graduate with a leg up in my career, i know what i want to do with my life, and i know how i have to get to where I want to go.

So now what? Once again i'm asking God what now? How am I suppossed to sit here in this moment thinking about how much i want it to be over?

I've never actually felt like a kid, like a teenager even, and recently while talking to a friend, discussing this topic, i realized how ready I am for the rest of my life. Yes, I still have a lot of growing to do, but doesn't everyone? I'm not quite sure it's growing that has to occur in high school, I mean maybe i'm wrong, maybe next year, my senior year, will change my life, but at this point i'm not feeling like it's going to make a huge difference. It's just one more year that i'm stuck here, not doing what I want to be doing.

Well anyway, that's the end of this thought process.

Hopefully i'll get out of this hole soon.

- A :)

I'm in need of a "What Now" button

Yes, I serioiusly want a "what now" button. It's not acually a need because only God can answer my question, but sometimes I just wish I could get a button sort of like the whole Staples "That was easy", Easy button. Only what I would want isn't something to make my life easier, just something to tell me what to do next.

At this point with my friendships i'm not sure where to draw the line, or where to cross it. Or if this line I keep thinking about is just my imagination saying i need a line. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm building things up in my over-processing head of mine again, or maybe i'm breaking things down and making them seem smaller than they are in reality. If I should be worried about the friends I worry about. If some of my friendships are based on things that no longer are. Everything about my friends feels so questionable right now, i'm not sure what to do next. Or what needs to be done, no matter the order it's done in.

In regards to some choices that need to be made i'm not sure whether i should jepordize things that other people want for me to make me happy, or jepordize my happiness for others. Who comes first, me or them?

I know what I need is God's life plan for me, but right now I feel as if i'm stuck in between major stages in my life just sitting here waiting to figure out what's next... to see what God wants next in my life... to figure out what I want next in my life... I don't know what's going to happen now, and I don't like it, i'm a very structured person, as much as my personality is random, and sometimes thoughtless, I put all my thougthts into what's next, which is why i'm so lost as to what is next right now.

I need to trust God. I need to hear God. I need to figure out where his map leads me.

I'm in need of prayers, of wisdom, of less worries, of less doubt in myself. If you would pray it'd be much appreciated. I've got a lot on my plate right now and I can't even see the next ball that'll be pitched.

- A