The evils of a glass box

These days it's like i'm in a Glass Box.

Everyone is walking, skipping, and laughing through life around me, but here I am. Trapped.

Trapped, in this glass box.

It's almost like I'm sitting here watching the world pass by, watching those i love look at me, and walk away. 

Here I am, screaming for help, here I am, jumping up and down to get noticed, here I am, shouting for anyone to hear me. And yet I just sit here, in my glass box. 

Waiting. 

I Am More

I am more...

... than the choices i've made.

... than the looks you give me.

... than the lies i've told.

... than the promises i've broke.

I. Am. More.

I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm done. I won't let myself. I WILL get through this. I CAN get over this mountain. I do believe that God only gives us challenges he knows we can overcome, and this is no different. I can do this. I won't give up on myself anymore.

I'm better than this.

This is only the enemy telling me i'm not good enough. That i'd be better off dead.

What. Lies.

I am loved. I am trusted. I am beautiful and i'm told so.

I am not too big. I am not ugly.

I am more than they tell me, I am more then the enemy puts into my head.

I now know that I AM more.

Giving up, or letting go?

I've asked myself several times recently if I should just "give up" on a situations, tell myself that no, it won't be getting any better...

... or should I let go? No longer let these people get to me...?

I. Am. Lost...

.... 25% fed up...


.... 25% confused...


.... 25% exhausted...


and 25% hurt....

I don't know what to do now. I don't understand why some people say the things they say, and hurt everyone around them.

It kills me that some adults are too immature to even see what they're doing to their familes, to the people who see them and actually hurt for them.

I hurt because I care. I hurt because this makes me sad. I hurt because they hurt ME. I hurt because I love them.

I'm sure these few individuals have no idea how much I do care. I'm sure they have no idea that this makes me sad. I'm sure they have no idea just how much I really do love them.

They'll be a part of my life forever and yet they've burnt more bridges than I can count...

and made me cry more tears than I deserve...

But should I just give up? Or let them go? I don't know what to do right now. Like I said, I'm lost. I'm fed up. I'm confused. I'm exhausted. And I hurt.

It may sound like i'm whining, that i'm just rambling about someone of no importance, but that's not that case. I write because I don't know what else to do. I can't just confront them, because if I do I will end up screaming until tears stream down my face. I myself will burn bridges that I don't want to be gone. But I have NO idea where to go from here. I have NO idea where I can go from here. Or what lies ahead of me.

So here I sit. Praying for these people. Praying that God will heal the pain in their own hearts. And give them the wisdom to see what they're doing to the people who DO care. Praying that they find it in themselves to forgive the people who have burnt the very same bridges they're currently burning. Praying that God can restore my relationship with them.

I really don't want to give up, i'm not a quiter. And i don't want to let go either. So now what? Only God knows...

What's next?

I feel like the only time I write is when i'm in pain, but it tends to help me, so I continue the pattern and write when things get tough.

I don't know where to go next. Where to go when the only things you've turned to in the last year are now what hurts the most? Where to go when the only people you want to talk to are the few people you can't find the words for? Where to go when you pray and pray and pray, but it STILL feels like you're talking to a wall, even  when in reality you KNOW that he IS listening, and he DOES care. Where to go when the places you always go just hurt.

It.Just.Hurts.

I don't know what's next, and that scares me!

I hurt. I feel selfish. and broken. and alone. and lost. and confused. and loved.

All at the same time, yet I still have NO idea where to go from here.

I need prayer. Solid prayer. And comfort. And someone to walk by my side, and tell me that i'm not alone.

I know that life goes on, that I WILL move forward, but right it sure feels like i'm in sinking sand, and it's taking me in. Every night drowning in my own tears. Most of which were my fault. Most of which I can't blame on anyone else, and I continue to try and blame other people.

But it is me, i'm so lost.

Sara's Senior Shoot

So my friend, Sara, wasn't happy with her senior pictures... 

Sooo, she asked me to take some more just to have.

 I gladly said yes :)

I've known this girl for thirteen years now... K-12, and now we're about to graduate together!

Here are some of my favorites.

Strength or Weakness?

So I've heard that people cry not because they are weak, but because they've been strong for too long... 

Well if that's the case....

why am I still  crying? Why am I still finding tears streaming down my face? Why is this all I can think about? Why can't my brain process everything going on around me? 

I'm scared. My heart breaks for my family. My heart hurts in thoughts of what could happen. 

I don't konw what to think anymore, I don't know what to ask God, otherthan hope. 

I'm giving my hope to him. I know this isn't a punishment, I know he has a plan. I plan for the twins, a plan for their daddy. I know He has a plan, but why is it so hard to remember when the tears are streaming down your face? Why does my heart hurt so bad? 

If you're reading this, whether you know me, or my family, or not. Will you please pray? 

For strengh...

For hope....

For courage...

For healing...

I pray that our hope continues to lay in his arms.

Getting out of my own head

Yesterday I said I was broken, and there is so much truth to that, I needed a day to get out of my own thougths, and my head, and just see the world through something else, through a lense perhaps? 

I'm lucky. I get to use my best friend's Nikon when he lets me. So, i saw the world through something other than my own eyes.

It was just what I needed. 

Here are a few of my favorites. :)

I am broken.

I'm a wordy person. If you've ever talked to me, usually I know just what to say and the right time to say it.

Tonight, however, this isn't the case. I don't have words. I can't even explain what's wrong. I'm just a mess.

I don't like feeling like this. Not feeling like myself. Feeling lonely. And hurting. I'm a happy person, why has it been so different lately?

I didn't realize just how bad this little funk of mine was until I went to town tonight, tears streaming down my face. I drove to blockbuster, not even thinking about how much i had been crying, or how awful i probably looked. Well, as i got out of my car I ran into six guys I know. They looked at me as if they had seen a ghost and didn't know what to say. They weren't quite sure whether they should say something, or needed to say something. I tried to turn the other direction, but they just stood there, awkwardly, not knowing what to say; both to me and each other. Finally the one that I by far know best walked a little closer and told me that whatever was going on wasn't a forever thing, and that as little as he does know me he could always tell i'm strong.

In my weakest moments, it's hard hearing that you're strong. I don't like feeling weak. I don't like struggling. I like knowing what to do, what to say. So for him to tell me that i'm strong, and that this isn't forever, made me realize how serious it really is right now. He hardly knows me, but it was very obvious that i wasn't okay... Even at the local blockbuster.

Honestly I think i'm out of tears for tonight. I've shed them all. But that's okay for now, i'm sick of crying. I'm sick of hurting. Tonight I gave it all up to God. (that's actually why i was crying when i was at blockbuster, i had been praying all the way there, just talkin' to the man up top).

Right now that's all I can do. Pray. Pray. Pray, and pray some more.

I'm finished being broken. I'm sick of it. I'm fed up. I quit.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I want to be myself again. The fun Alex. The smiley Alex. Even the silly Alex.

I'm ready.

Sometimes the truth hurts.

Recently I've been researching abortion, abortion, and more abortion... and some videos i've come across, some more about abortion, some more about the sexual habits of my generation.

It's awful. It's sad. It's pathetic. It's horrifying. It's scary. 

These are the two things that were hurting my heart today, two things i've been praying about all day, two things that I hope you both take to heart, and share with anyone and everyone who may benefit from them.

take this to heart.

Easy or Worth it?

Lately i've been in several situations where i've had obvious easy or worth it choices... 


A friend of mine used this quote and it's exactly what i was looking for...

‎" i am not going to sit here and tell you that you can do this day in and day out, because the honest truth is if you don't believe you can, then you can't. You have to do this for you, thats the honest truth. and if you do not want it hard enough, then you sure as hell will not achieve it. So go ahead and take the easy way out. I never said this would be easy, I said it would be WORTH it "

Currently this also describes several friendships in my life, and my relationship with God. No, right now it's not seeming easy to continue to talk to God, and read my bible when things are getting tricky and a little on the rough side, but I know that God is the exact thing I need and want. I have to stay strong, keep praying, and continue to read God's word. Nothing else can get me through this tough spot. 


I do however believe that in the long-haul, the best choices in life won't be easy ones, and the right choice won't be the easy way out, but it is worth it. 


Trying to keep my head held high, and my smile shining because I know in my heart that God has my back through this all, and no right now it definitely isn't seeming to be easy, but it's worth it. 

A little Photography Fun

Last week I was given an opportunity I've been looking for for a while now... taking pictures of someone! Heather and I had sooo much fun together, and thanks to Ben, I had an awesome camera to work with!

Here are a few of my favorites! :)

A day full of fun pictures with my best friend. :)

I got to Kassy's house yesterday and she realized she needed pictures for her Cheer Auction that was tonight- so what is my response?! I'll take them... duh! 

And then we got all dressed up in our green and gold and headed off to the football game! :)

It was a very fun Friday night! :)

What would you do if God gave you lemons?

I'm pretty sure i'd cut it in slices, take a bite and get a silly pucker face until the sour went away...

Lately i've questioned God asking why now, why this, why me, silly why questions. I guess i've just been asking the wrong questions. It's not why, it's why not. Why am I not strong enough to get through this silly little things? Well that's the thing... God placed this situations in my life for me to grow... I am strong enough!

He gave me lemons so I can make my silly pucker face, and move on. So I can grow, and no longer need to pucker up when I come across a lemon. 

... or these lemons at least. :)

Just a little thought I had tonight...

I guess what I'm getting at is that i'm actually thankful God is giving me the chance to grow, to enter the unknown, scary or not, he wouldn't put me through this if I wasn't strong enough, or mature enough, or whatever I need to be enough.

No, i'm not perfect. And i'm not fully matured, but I am growing in my relationship with God as well as healthy relationships with my close friends and family. So I'm ready for his lemons... metaphorically speaking. :)

Through the tough stuff...

... I just keep telling myself that no, i was never promised life would be easy, but he did promise that this would be worth it....

One day it'll be tattooed on me. Because it's sooo incredibly true. It's what I keep telling myself to get through this things that don't always seem so easy when you're stuck in the middle of them....

I can do everything, through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:13

So yes, i'll be the first to admit, sometimes life seems awful, and confusing, but honestly I'm thankful for the crazy life of mine that seems awful and confusing sometimes, because I know that it is what God has planned for me, well, it's helping me get there at least.

That's all for today...
- A

It all makes sense....

Have you ever had a moment in time where you literally freeze up and realize everything you've been struggling with all fits together perfectly and makes total sense?

Well that's where i'm at in my life today... The few things I really started to doubt, and maybe even give up on a little big, pulled together and now fit perfectly in this crazy puzzle of my life i'm trying to put together.

For some reason i've always visualized my "life map" that God has planned out for me as a giant puzzle on some desk of his that he's watching me slowing try to put together all of my "pieces".

Recently a few odd shaped pieces were a little more clear to me, and now I get it. I understand where i'm headed with my life, and who I want to be.

I haven't been the Alexandra Smith that I want to be for the last year or so, and i'm finally seeing who I actually am. Not only who I want to be, but also why I want to be that girl, why I want to be a strong woman of God, and why I want to be me.

These weird shape pieces are starting to fit together wonderfully, I hope this continues. I could definetly get used to this awesome feeling. I don't think i've ever been so close to God in my life... Actually, I know I haven't. I love this, but not quite as much as I love him. <3 :)


It all makes sense now.... :)

Lean on me...

... when you're not strong, i'll be your friend, i'll help you carry on. For, it won't be long, till i'm gonna need, somebody to lean on.

Tonight there was a shooting at my local county fair... I didn't witness it, and no one i know got shot, however four people did. Four people that are friends to someone, the sons of someone, possibly the brothers to many...

I guess it just made me realize how important friendships are. How much friends will sacrifice for one an other.

In the aftermath of all of tonight's events I realized I would take that bullet for any one of my friends. I am a true believer that yes, everyone needs a solid relationship with God, but we also need solid relationships with friends as well. Friends that will help you get up on your feet and point you in the right direction towards God when you're down and at your low. Friends to lean on. Whether that's a shoulder to cry on, or someone to call in the middle of the night, it doesn't matter, just someone to be there with you when you're in need.

Tonight I'm praying for not only the victims of the shooting, but also their loved ones. Ones that might call them and not know why they aren't answering... Ones that might wake up and not realize their brother is in the hospital, or even worse, not ever coming home. Please pray too. Not only for the ones who got hurt tonight, but the ones who may hurt tomorrow. The ones who don't understand why someone they love is injured. Please pray that those four people have solid relationships with God, or that in this innident they seek God, and praise him for still being here.

You never know what will happen tonight, or even tomorrow, so no matter what make sure the people you love know you love them. Tomorrow may never come. Don't go to bed angry or wake up grumpy, because you're still alive, and someone out there does love you, whether it seems like it or not.


-A

Today I am 17 years old....

...or 204 months old

... or 886 weeks old

... or 6,209 days old

... or 149,016 hours old

... or 8,940,964 minutes old

... or 536,457,869 seconds old.

Do I feel any older? Not really. Am I acting more mature? I doubt it. Do I look any older? Who knows.

But I do feel thankful i'm still alive. Many people don't live to be 17 years old in this world. So yes, one more year does make a difference. Whether or not I feel like i'm any older, or I act more mature today because technically i'm one more year older, or I look my age now more so than before, I am still here on earth with my family and friends and for that I am thankful. I am blessed.

A lot has happened over the last 17 years and my life has only just begun.

In so many ways i'm still that same silly girl, but I do believe in the last 17 years i've grown to be a godly young woman, a person that can be trusted, and loyal, someone who you can call when you need a shoulder to cry on. All of these things people expect one to learn along the way, and that I have.

Today is another day, yes I am now 17, but it's just another day that i'm alive and growing. :)

No one ever said life was easy....

.... but someone did promise it'd be worth it. <3

It's hard to remember just how much God loves you and I when life throws us curve balls.

Right now i've found myself struggling to give God thanks for what I do have, and not question him about what I don't have. It's important to keep remembering that he does love me. He isn't just throwing situations my way and laughing at me, but he's asking me to grow from them, to use them to strengthen my relationship with him and other believers in Christ. To become a godly young woman worthy of a loving husband one day.

That is what I keep reminding myself this morning as I start to question God's motives. So no, today I may not understand why he's put me in the situations he has, but maybe tomorrow he'll show me exactly why. Who am I to think he'll never show me? He will, just on his time. My whole life should be on his time anyway, so for today that's all I can tell myself. As I remember to thank him for helping me grow, and making me a stronger woman.

This life isn't about how difficult it may or may not be today, it's about how amazing it'll be with him one day.

"Better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts, than thousands else where. Better is one day."

Well this is weird....

For the last just about two weeks i haven't talked much to my best friends, i haven't seen them, and i haven't been able to get ahold of anyone. This is just weird...

I guess I didn't realize how much these people mean to me until  they were gone (or across the world). Some people say they have the best friends in the world, but i'd like to disagree. The few people i do trust, and i can trust are my best friends. There are two people in my life that i could call at any time of day for any reason and they'd have my back, they'd protect me, and they'd let me cry on their shoulder if need be. I believe everyone needs someone or a few someone's in their life that they can call their best friend(s). I know i wouldn't be the strong, confident, faithful person i am today if it wasn't for them. I would probably be stuck in a place i was a year ago, and that was a very ungodly, miserable place to be. :(

Now i'm walking with God everyday of my life, i am confident in who i am for the first time in my entire life, and i'm willing to make the changes in my life that need to be made. So for people to say they have the best friends in the world, i think they're wrong. My friends have gotten me through an awful lot, and i love them for it everyday.

However the last few weeks without them have been a bit odd, but i know that no matter what if i need them they're still here for me. <3

Missunderstood much?

Mistreated, misplaced, missunderstood,
Miss "no way it's all good"
It didn't slow me down, mistaken, always second guessing.
Underestimated, look, I'm still around...

That's how i'm feeling right now. Missunderstood mostly.

 

If no hurt is beyond healing, no habit is beyond help and no hang-up is beyond hope then why do i feel hopeless? Why do i feel helpless? Why do i feel the healing?

I've been missunderstood and i just wish i wouldn't be judged.

Yes, i know God never said life would be easy, or fair, but this just sucks.

I know in my heart that God is the only thing, the only person, the only hope to any of this, and i'm very thankful i have someone as powerful and almighty as my God is to get me through this one, because i've just about given up. It's hard to decide where I want to stop fighting, and how much i want to fight for. All i know for sure is that when it's out of my reach and up to God he shows me right where I need to be and who needs to be right by my side. And his opinion should be the only opinion that matters to me.

That's much easier said than done however.

So for now, each day i'll keep fighting for what i know in my heart is right, until he shows me some sort of stop sign. That's all I can do.