The evils of a glass box

These days it's like i'm in a Glass Box.

Everyone is walking, skipping, and laughing through life around me, but here I am. Trapped.

Trapped, in this glass box.

It's almost like I'm sitting here watching the world pass by, watching those i love look at me, and walk away. 

Here I am, screaming for help, here I am, jumping up and down to get noticed, here I am, shouting for anyone to hear me. And yet I just sit here, in my glass box. 

Waiting. 

I Am More

I am more...

... than the choices i've made.

... than the looks you give me.

... than the lies i've told.

... than the promises i've broke.

I. Am. More.

I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm done. I won't let myself. I WILL get through this. I CAN get over this mountain. I do believe that God only gives us challenges he knows we can overcome, and this is no different. I can do this. I won't give up on myself anymore.

I'm better than this.

This is only the enemy telling me i'm not good enough. That i'd be better off dead.

What. Lies.

I am loved. I am trusted. I am beautiful and i'm told so.

I am not too big. I am not ugly.

I am more than they tell me, I am more then the enemy puts into my head.

I now know that I AM more.

Giving up, or letting go?

I've asked myself several times recently if I should just "give up" on a situations, tell myself that no, it won't be getting any better...

... or should I let go? No longer let these people get to me...?

I. Am. Lost...

.... 25% fed up...


.... 25% confused...


.... 25% exhausted...


and 25% hurt....

I don't know what to do now. I don't understand why some people say the things they say, and hurt everyone around them.

It kills me that some adults are too immature to even see what they're doing to their familes, to the people who see them and actually hurt for them.

I hurt because I care. I hurt because this makes me sad. I hurt because they hurt ME. I hurt because I love them.

I'm sure these few individuals have no idea how much I do care. I'm sure they have no idea that this makes me sad. I'm sure they have no idea just how much I really do love them.

They'll be a part of my life forever and yet they've burnt more bridges than I can count...

and made me cry more tears than I deserve...

But should I just give up? Or let them go? I don't know what to do right now. Like I said, I'm lost. I'm fed up. I'm confused. I'm exhausted. And I hurt.

It may sound like i'm whining, that i'm just rambling about someone of no importance, but that's not that case. I write because I don't know what else to do. I can't just confront them, because if I do I will end up screaming until tears stream down my face. I myself will burn bridges that I don't want to be gone. But I have NO idea where to go from here. I have NO idea where I can go from here. Or what lies ahead of me.

So here I sit. Praying for these people. Praying that God will heal the pain in their own hearts. And give them the wisdom to see what they're doing to the people who DO care. Praying that they find it in themselves to forgive the people who have burnt the very same bridges they're currently burning. Praying that God can restore my relationship with them.

I really don't want to give up, i'm not a quiter. And i don't want to let go either. So now what? Only God knows...

What's next?

I feel like the only time I write is when i'm in pain, but it tends to help me, so I continue the pattern and write when things get tough.

I don't know where to go next. Where to go when the only things you've turned to in the last year are now what hurts the most? Where to go when the only people you want to talk to are the few people you can't find the words for? Where to go when you pray and pray and pray, but it STILL feels like you're talking to a wall, even  when in reality you KNOW that he IS listening, and he DOES care. Where to go when the places you always go just hurt.

It.Just.Hurts.

I don't know what's next, and that scares me!

I hurt. I feel selfish. and broken. and alone. and lost. and confused. and loved.

All at the same time, yet I still have NO idea where to go from here.

I need prayer. Solid prayer. And comfort. And someone to walk by my side, and tell me that i'm not alone.

I know that life goes on, that I WILL move forward, but right it sure feels like i'm in sinking sand, and it's taking me in. Every night drowning in my own tears. Most of which were my fault. Most of which I can't blame on anyone else, and I continue to try and blame other people.

But it is me, i'm so lost.

Sara's Senior Shoot

So my friend, Sara, wasn't happy with her senior pictures... 

Sooo, she asked me to take some more just to have.

 I gladly said yes :)

I've known this girl for thirteen years now... K-12, and now we're about to graduate together!

Here are some of my favorites.

Strength or Weakness?

So I've heard that people cry not because they are weak, but because they've been strong for too long... 

Well if that's the case....

why am I still  crying? Why am I still finding tears streaming down my face? Why is this all I can think about? Why can't my brain process everything going on around me? 

I'm scared. My heart breaks for my family. My heart hurts in thoughts of what could happen. 

I don't konw what to think anymore, I don't know what to ask God, otherthan hope. 

I'm giving my hope to him. I know this isn't a punishment, I know he has a plan. I plan for the twins, a plan for their daddy. I know He has a plan, but why is it so hard to remember when the tears are streaming down your face? Why does my heart hurt so bad? 

If you're reading this, whether you know me, or my family, or not. Will you please pray? 

For strengh...

For hope....

For courage...

For healing...

I pray that our hope continues to lay in his arms.

Getting out of my own head

Yesterday I said I was broken, and there is so much truth to that, I needed a day to get out of my own thougths, and my head, and just see the world through something else, through a lense perhaps? 

I'm lucky. I get to use my best friend's Nikon when he lets me. So, i saw the world through something other than my own eyes.

It was just what I needed. 

Here are a few of my favorites. :)